Dear Santa

Listen, you troll, I’ve been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT’S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I’m gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won’t wanna be around to smell it).

So, here’s my holiday wish list, Santa:

1.A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I’m sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?

2.Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!

3.A REAL man…maybe GI Joe. Hell, I’d take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And what’s with that earring anyway? If I’m gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.

4.Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5.Breast reduction surgery. I don’t care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.

6.A jog bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7.A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don’t cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec!

8.A new, more 90s persona. Maybe “PMS Barbie”, complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; “Animal Rights Barbie”, with my very own pain gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat andhandcuffs; or “Stop Smoking Barbie”, sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9.No more McDonald’s endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10.Mattel stock options. It’s been 37 years — I think I deserve it.

OK, Santa, that’s it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don’t think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It’s that simple.

Yours truly,

Barbie

Absolutely Fabulous was a sitcom that ran for over 10 years on the bbc. Growing up i use to LOVE this show – the comedy was always spot on and oh my god don’t even mention the 90 fashion!

Staring Jennifer Saunders and Joanna Lumley who basically – well one is a pr guru and another is a director or something for a fashion magazine. They hang out, get drunk, wear outrages clothes and say sweetie darling a lot and chain smoke. It the situation that they get themself into every week that made this show such a success and one of the reason why it have such devoted fan like me!

Watch this classic BBC show on youtube and you will be hooked or if you’re like me and order the entire box set off Amazon for a christmas treat. More information can be found on these websites

IMDB & WIKI

CAKE OR BED

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A

FOOTBALL MATCH WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

‘HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?

IT’S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.’

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,

‘FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ‘POWERGEN’ WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?

I DON’T THINK SO!’

‘FINE!’

THEN THE WIFE ASKS,

‘WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?

IT WON’T CLOSE RIGHT’

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,

‘FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?

DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ‘FRIDGIDAIRE’

WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?

I DON’T THINK SO!’

‘FINE!’ SHE SAYS

‘THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS

TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK’

‘I’M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON’T

WANT TO FIX STEPS’, HE SAYS, ‘DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ‘TAYLOR WOODROW’ WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?

I DON’T THINK SO! I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS, I’M GOING TO THE PUB!!!!’

SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A

COUPLE OF HOURS……………..

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW

HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES

TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES

THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE

HALL LIGHT IS WORKING

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES

THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, ‘HOW’D ALL THIS GET FIXED?’

SHE SAID, ‘WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT

OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.

HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.’

HE SAID,

‘SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?’

SHE REPLIED, ‘HELLOOOOO.., DO YOU SEE ‘MR KIPLING’ WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON’T THINK SO!’